Monday, May 12, 2014

The Red Plate

In my family, we have one plate that does not match the rest. It's red and in white letters says "You Are Special."

Growing up, we got to use "the red plate" on special occasions: Birthday? You got the red plate. Placed in the science fair? You got the red plate. Scored a goal in your soccer game? Red plate.

I don't know the last time I got the red plate, or the last time anyone used it. I'm not even sure the last time I've seen the red plate. I think it's under all the regular plates; that's where it always was.

I don't know the last time I thought about the red plate, but it is not forgotten.

Earlier today, I emailed my dad (who is in Afghanistan for his 6th tour) about something I had done. Part of his reply said "If we were all assembled for dinner tonight, you'd get the red plate. Good job and I love you, baby girl."

And I simultaneously burst into tears for a few seconds.

I wish we were all assembled tonight and that I did eat my dinner off the red plate, instead of me sitting on the ground watching NCIS on my laptop.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

song of the week

There isn't anyone you can be more honest with than yourself.

You can lie to everyone around you, but no matter what you can't actually lie to yourself.

Well, you can lie to yourself, but you'll never really believe it. You're only pretending to believe it. We all pretend to believe the lies we tell ourselves.

I pretend to believe the lies I tell myself. I do it all the time. We all do it all the time. Days. Weeks. Months. Even years. It's just something many of us do.

But at some point you stop pretending, at least to yourself. There are a few lies I've "believed" for quite some time that I'm finally calling myself on. I'm going to accept what I always knew to be true and try to figure out how to make it work in my life or accept I don't get to have it in my life. I never really believed the lies anyway; I was just putting off the point when I had to decide or deal with it.

Most of the time when we vocalize we're going to be honest with ourselves and those closest to us, we aren't sure who we are, we can't quite see who we can be. Because those closest to you, already know who you are and what you can be.

Our friends and family would surprise most of us with how much they know without us ever saying a word. The things they know that we've never spoken—they could fill a book.

When I see people gear up, saying they're just going to be who they are and those around them can take it or leave it—they're just running a 100 mph in no particular direction.

They don't know where they're heading. And I don't mean on where to live and work. I myself am at a loss of how to start the process to decide the good, better, best of where to live and where to start my career.

I mean where they're heading metaphorically. When are you going to see what others see in you? When are you going to admit the things you're wrong about? When are you going to stop "raging against the machine" just so you can stand up against something for the sake of rebelling? What & who are you going to be responsible for? When are you going to come back from everything you left behind when you were to stubborn? When are you going to stop running?

Because the people in your life already know who you are. We don't want you to change. We want you stop judging us over thinking (incorrectly) we're going to judge you. We already know you and love you. Offer us the same courtesy and come back.

All of this might not be completely true for everyone. But there's some truth in it for everyone.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.

My mom had to take our dog Panzer to the vet to be put down on Friday morning. He was just shy of 15. We buried hum back at the house my parents own in Virginia near Sassy. My dogs seem to decide to call it quits on Friday mornings. Sassy died on a Friday morning in July 2010. I'm glad he's been laid to rest near his friend after these past few years apart. Pets are more than just pets. They're family.

We used to joke that Panzer would never die since he had defied death so many times in his little life. He ate pounds of chocolate on several occasions, he got free from the backyard numerous times (and no car is going to see a little, gray dog in the road), he was attacked by a golden retriever and yellow lab and almost died, when Sassy died he was so sad and lonely he didn't eat for almost a week and that almost killed him, and he had a heart condition for the last 2 years of his life.

He was old and not in perfect health and even though we knew his time with us drawing to a close, it still seemed like he could never really die. He always rebounded. He was always there. Especially since I am not actually home to see him and bury him like I was with Sassy, it also feels like it can't be real that he is gone. But he is, and my heart is broken and the world I've been living in for 15 years is shattered. I love him so much.

Up until just a few years ago, he was like a puppy his whole life. He was just an athlete. He was so fast and agile. He was my best friend. He would let us dress him up when were little. He learned a dozen tricks and how to spell "walk" and "leash." He caught a few squirrels and birds in day. He was protective of us and spent his whole life brining me so much joy. I dread going to my parents house and him not being there. I miss him so much. My mom says the puppies are confused as to where he is and search the house and car for him. The first generation of my dogs are gone now.

He "liked" to watch Bones with me. AKA, I would have him sit on my lap or he would lie in the beanbag while I watched Bones. He really did watch baseball with mom, though. He would stare at the TV while my mom watched the Mariners and would move if something blocked his view. He was always cautious. He was always aware of what we were doing and hated getting in trouble; he would get so embarrassed. People who say dogs don't have these types of personalities have never cared about an animal properly. He was my best friend and my heart is broken and, just as when Sassy died, will never really be quite whole again.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Today someone told me I'm like a cat... and it's turned out to be accurate.

We now bring you to the portion in our program called "Ten thoughts floating around my brain lately."

1. I cut down on some job interview stress by just wearing the same thing to every interview. I only wear that outfit for like an hour. I am doing laundry tomorrow, so everyone calm down.

2. As a recent graduate/current full-time job hunter, I feel like I have no direction in life. But of course "that thing" will happen so I'm told what direction to take...right? It's not. What am I supposed to do? Where do I find the goal in my life? What is my new permanent?

3. Why can't I get my WiFi password set up correctly. Help me, please.

4. What I want to do, or where I want to go, or how I want my personal life to be ranges from one extreme to another and everything in between multiple times a day. And it's exhausting. *See items 5 and 7.

5. I do, in fact, spend a lot of time sitting/lying on the floor in my room pondering, trying to relax, trying to keep my thoughts from straying to things I've tried to put behind, asking God for a few things, and writing (guess where I am now). This is also what sparked my cat likeness discussion tonight.

6. I think it takes a couple times meeting me to get a good feel for what I'm capable of. (AKA I walk out of interviews and THEN all the awesome things about myself that I forgot to mention come to the front of mind).

7. When I've got to much on my mind, my usual go-to music is country. Just put all my country songs on shuffle. Or Kelly Clarkson.
Because, Kelly Clarkson.

8. Go Seahawks!!! PLEASE win on Sunday.

9. I'm feeling a viewing of The Iron Lady needs to happen soon. Get feeling awesmome and well, Meryl Streep.

10. Lady Antebellum concerts are freaking amazing. They are fantastic live and great performers. They are, indeed, one of my favorite bands. It was the definitely the best concert I've attended.