Sunday, April 1, 2012

I crash like broken glass when no one's around

Can I just say, it's been a difficult couple of months. School-wise. Church-wise. Personal life-wise. Family-wise. I'm not saying my life is terrible and no one else has it harder. I realize I have a pretty great life, and others suffer much worse then I do. But in this moment, my life is harder for me then it has been in a very long time. Or maybe everything in my life that I've run from, or pushed far away has finally caught up with me, because my current situation has slowed me so far down. And some days, I just want to be down, and that's okay. Tomorrow I will be to busy to be sad.

A lot of things have changed;  a lot things have happened; a lot has been difficult; a lot will never be the same again.

As of late, it's been quite easy for me to get down; and stay down. Some days I just want to stay curled up in my bed, or sit on my couch and watch Grey's Anatomy or Friends all day. Some days I just want to get in my car, and drive and drive, and listen to music that matches my mood. But most days I drag myself out of bed, exhausted from my lack of sleep and go through the motions of my day. (Not simply because I go to bed late as an "irresponsible" college student, but because I get in bed and can't fall asleep, sometimes for hours.) I get up; I go to class; I do the things I need to do. Then I go home late in the evening and all motivation leaves and I sit around and hang out with friends. We go to movies, we watch sports, we go bowling and Putt Putt golfing; we watch our shows. We make dinners, we study. I go on dates sporadically; I run errands; I live life. And rare, some days I feel super great. Some days I look at the problems in my life and actually believe it'll be okay, and things will settle down and get closer to normal, and closer to how they used to be. But if I really think about it, it falls back apart and I know it's not going to get anywhere close to being the same. And I look at the future and things I thought would never arrive are around the corner.

And it makes me anxious and panicky. It's too much. And I don't know how to be this person. I've gone through difficult times in my life before. I've struggled to keep my feet underneath me, and I've had to hold my life together with so much effort before. But in the past, there was an end game. At the end of everyday there were two ways the situation was going to conclude for that day. And I may have had to wake up and face it all again, but each day could only end in one of two ways. Either with everyone making it through another day, which meant (even if it was a bad day, because there were plenty of bad days) we were one day closer to getting a handle on life and we could make it through another. Or it would end in a disaster that probably would have broken me. It was bleak, yes. But there were only 2 options. I knew each day would have to end in one or the other.

Here, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to be like this and I hate it. And I don't know why I am telling you this. Probably because the few people I should be able to talk to about this are to far away. Literally for some; figuratively for others. I don't know how to be this person I've been the last few months, but I don't know how to get myself back. Right now it's all I can do to keep my head above water and try to find my way.

I've lived an ever-changing life. I moved on average every two years. My family has been forced to spend a lot of time apart. I've dealt with things way beyond my maturity level in high school. I have been forced to deal with difficult change since the day I was born. I resist change, but cave to it everyday. I adapt and I deal. But I hate it–I loathe it, in fact. But I'll accept it, as I always do–I just need more time. And in the meantime I'll stay on my roller-coaster, of days flying by with exhilarating highs and swooping lows.

Also, here's some kickin' tunes I'm obsessed with :) Tunes that I can't get enough of; tunes that I listen to all day long; that I jam to in my car.


Jess said...

Kelly I feel you girl...not exactly because everyones experience is different...but a lot of what you said resonated. Know that if you ever need to run away for a few hours or whatever you can come up to West Jordan and chill with me and my madre :) We would love to have you!

SunniSmith said...

Dear One,
I always think of these lyrics when I'm in a scary transition:
"You're more than beginning, you're learning to fly...
Feels like you're falling, but it passes in time." (Janis Ian)

So, take good care of yourself. You are preparing to move into something greater in your life. If you need help, be sure to ask for it. You are loved.
Love, Aunt Melody
P.S. I love your blog.