Thursday, April 12, 2012

Shannon Kaye

[As she signs her personal emails and likes to be called...even though I'm pretty sure only Eric humors her in this request].

I've had a few posts about people, and I've had a couples posts all dedicated to one person. And today, on my sister's birthday, I decided I should blog about her. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
This is for sure going to count as a birthday present.

Shannon is my older sister. And she's kinda basically perfect and rocks. We're about 5 years apart. BUT not only were we born in the same hospital, but in the same room! How crazy is that? Especially when you factor-in my family moves about every 2 years with my dad being in the Army. You're a lot more impressed about that same hospital room thing now aren't you?

Many years ago, that 5-year age gap seemed like a lot. When I was starting kindergarden, she was almost in middle school. When I turned ten, she was learning to drive. (I still vividly remember the day she got her white Volkswagen bug and learned to drive stick shift, Heather [younger sister] came back crying because her neck hurt). When I was starting high school, she had already been out here at BYU (majoring in exercise science) for a year. When I graduated from high school, she was in grad school. And now, I'm sitting here at BYU at the end of my junior year and my first semester in my journalism program (where I started out a psychology major), and she has a masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and works as a licensed therapist in Arizona. Who knows how we ended up in our fields.

Mom, me, Heater, and Shannon at the Syracuse Zoo
Summer, 2009

A long time ago, 5 years seemed like an eternity, an unbridgeable gap. I was too young to talk about the things a teenage girl wanted to, and I was a tomboy whose best friend was my older brother, who is only 3 years older then me. We played soldier, and with GI Joes, Airsoft guns, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She was my babysitter and (probably reluctant) chauffeur–though no one ever heard her complain I'm sure (and speaking of cars, I still remember sitting in her bug, in a parking lot, at one of David's baseball games as she explained to me how a standard car worked, what a clutch was, and what all the gears are. Later she semi-taught me to drive it. I say semi because I could only get to 1st and 2nd in the parking lot, and I was too terrified to go on the streets). She worked hard in school and sports, and it took up time–as did everything I was involved in.

When I was just getting to teenage age, I never realized that she would be moving out soon. I didn't realize that once she left for college, she would never really live at home again. I didn't realize Christmas break and summers wouldn't ever be enough. I didn't realize that she wouldn't be around everyday. I didn't realize how much I would cry when we dropped her off at her dorm, Taylor Hall at Helaman Halls, at BYU (I didn't realize how fast the years would fly by when it was my turn and I was walking into Chipman Hall). I didn't realize how close we actually were, and I didn't realize how much closer we could've been if I had known how life works. I didn't realize how much I would miss making episodes of "The Starlight Show," our talk show we invented and filmed...which reminds me, I really need to try to find those. I have to watch them now and see how ridiculous we were, and put them on DVD. I didn't realize how important my big sister was, is, to me.

Heather, me, David, and Shannon in Europe at a train station waiting for our parent to comeback with tickets. 
No, this is not staged; it's completely candid. Our parents came back and found us like this.
Clearly we see who the intellects are :P
July, 2007

Now, 5 years doesn't seem like that big of an age gap at all. We both can drive and have driven across the country without our parents; and we have each been in an accident that totaled our cars. We both graduated from high school with good grades, a couple academic awards, and varsity letters. We both went to BYU, and in a year and a half, will both will have graduated from BYU (I can't even handle that I'm almost-ish done with college; but that's for another post). We were both taking midterms and finals at the same time–me, as an undergrad; her, as a graduate student. We've both dated people, and when I was finally old enough for that, we've talked about it (even if she does have to drag it out of me a little bit). We've both spent holidays away from our parents, since BYU–and now her life–is so far away. But one of my favorite Thanksgivings was actually my first away from my family my freshman year here. Shannon came up from AZ and we spent a few days together, mostly just us. I'm pretty sure if she hadn't, and I had to spend Thanksgiving without any immediate family, I would have had a breakdown. She came up and stayed in my dorm room over our short break, just as 5 years earlier Heather and I stayed in her dorm room her freshman year at BYU over Thanksgiving. My family came down to visit her and our family in Spanish Fork–we were living in Washington State at the time.

Now, 5 years is nothing. Now, 5 years is short. It's the 906; 2,043; and 2,150 miles that separated us when she was at BYU, and I was living in Washington, then Pennsylvania and New York that is long. Now, it's the 620 miles between Provo and Phoenix (yes, I just google mapped all this). Now, it's the full-time student status I have, and the full-times job(s) she has, and the church callings and social lives we both have.

Heather and Shannon with Panzer 

But we are lucky to live in our day and age, where Facebook, cell phones, and emails take that distance^ and shortens it to a few keystrokes on a computer screen and a speed dial number. Shannon is the second person on my speed dial. She has been my second speed dial since I was in 8th grade, because hers was the first number I wanted in my phone. She's not the first, only because 'Voicemail' is automatically in the numero uno position. So we talk a lot. We continue to get closer. We've become best friends, and not just how siblings are best friends and know a lot about each other. But we've developed a relationship based off trust, respect, understanding, and love. And we will continue to get closer.

Shannon is one of the greatest and most exceptional people I know. Exceptional. I don't describe many people in my life as exceptional. There are only a handful, and she is one of the few. She is incredibly intelligent and kind. She makes me laugh and has a great laugh. She's a bit of spaz with the fam. She is is very professional at work though. She really likes to play Speed, Spoons, and other card games. She is tall, athletic, and beautiful–inside and out (sorry for the cliche, but it's true). Her facebook "About Me" section is two short sentences, but describes her perfectly: "I've been told I'm loud. I cry when I laugh." That totally sums up her personality. She is helpful and charitable. She is my role model. She works harder then most people I know; she is very disciplined. Her life has not been a breeze by any means. She's worked hard to be where she is. She was given a lot of responsibility growing up as the oldest child. And not until more recent years did I understand what all she did to step up and help take care of my family and the example she's been for three younger siblings; especially with my dad being deployed numerous times. She stepped up and helped raise us too. She's helped shape me into the person I am today along with my parents. I felt my own pressure and responsibility growing up, but she was the oldest. And I don't think she ever took that lightly. And she set the bar high, and I'm still trying to grab onto it. It's still a little out of my reach. I don't know how she did she does it.

So now I look at her life. I look at all the things she's accomplished, all the things she's done, all the things she has, all she has planned, all that she is...and I can think of no one more deserving for everything she has and gets to do; I can think of no one more deserving for all the opportunities she has, all the fun things she does, all the friends, and loved ones she has in her life besides family.

Shannon and me in the Helaman Halls parking lot.
Thanksgiving, 2009

And sometimes I don't realize how much I miss her, until times like this when I sit here (and as much as I hate to admit, crying just a little bit) and wish I could wake up in the morning and go see her (because it's now 3am as I'm writing this). Because I miss playing badminton with her, David and Heather (even when David tried to convince me to play right after having teeth pulled in which I almost passed out, so mom and I watched CSI and Law & Order reruns on TNT and USA instead). Because I miss when she babysat us, and took our dinner "orders" like a waitress. Because when she is around puppies, she is like a 5 year old on Christmas morning. Because she believes in me and is proud of me. Because we like the same music. Because I don't know if I could accurately tell you her favorite color, but I know we both want libraries in our houses one day with all our books on tall bookshelves. Because I remember I was sick on the day she went to her senior prom, and I was half asleep when she left and didn't get to see her in her dress until she got home. Because I wore that same dress to my own prom. Because I remember the first time she almost swore in front of me when a car almost hit us as we backed out of a parking spot, but didn't to be a good example to me. Because I remember the first time she did swear in front of me, and I didn't realize we could say "damn" in front of our parents and not get in trouble. Because I remember when I was in 1st grade and she got her braces on; she wouldn't show David and me when we got home from school. She was jumping on the trampoline and we told jokes to try to make her laugh–it didn't work. We eventually saw them; they were pink. Because at her elementary school fair we had an albino boa constrictor sit on our shoulders. Because we don't get to do it as often, and I miss camping and boating with her, with her spazzing out, screaming "ohmygosh! ohmygosh! ohmygosh!" over and over again. Because I remember in 10th grade, lying in bed with mom listening to them talk on the phone because she had just gone back to school after summer and was homesick. Because she's crazy and puts herself out there. Because I wear the necklace with the heart pendant that reads, "sisters," she got herself,  Heather, and me for Christmas nearly everyday. Because I miss her badminton and ping pong victory dances. Because she's good at everything, except she struggles with racquetball. Because I miss when she was a cheerleader and would make all of us go out on the trampoline so David and I could stunt Heather with her as our backspot. Because she always wears my T-shirts when we see each other since she never packs her own. 

All of the T-shirts Shannon is wearing in these pictures are mine.

Because I know she's been at her wits end with me, but loves me anyway. Because she's taught me so much. Because I just miss her company; and she would be able to handle everything I've been going through lately a lot better then I could, I'm sure. 

Because I could continue writing this post for hours and never be able to tell everything I would like to tell you, I love, or that I remember about Shannon. Because today is her birthday, and I don't know the last time I was with her on her birthday, or the last time she was with me on my birthday, and I would give anything to be with her to celebrate it.

Because I love her so much.
Shannon and I are dinner one night on the cruise.
Christmas, 2011

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends

The past week or so I realized (or re-realized) a few things:

1. I do have great friends.
I need to let the ones who are stepping up, be great and be the type of friend I am.
I need to make sure, even though I'm having a rough time, I'm still the same friend I've always been.
I need to give some, more credit for who they are and what they do.
I need to cut others some slack.
I need to let them be my "secret keepers" (Harry Potter shout out)
I need to stop being such an idiot in certain situations.

2. I walk a fine line.
Between what I/we need and want, and what most people would say is dumb and asking for trouble.
I will maintain my balancing act, and for now I think I can maintain it indefinitely.
Between keeping everything in my life in balance (huh--this is where I've been struggling)

3. Time will never slow down.
Even though right now I'm mostly thinking from sunup through sundown, I am speeding to the future.
I need to start making more things count. (I'm not going to say "live each day to the fullest" or "live each day is my last" because I think that's crap. If I did, I wouldn't be here, sitting in classes that bore me nearly to tears and that stress me out to tears. I would be maxing out credit card after credit card, going skydiving and bungee jumping. I would go to concerts. I would fly to London and watch the Olympics first hand. I would climb Mt. Rainier [which would probably kill me so I wouldn't have to deal with my credit card debt]. I would do whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted). I'm merely saying that when I think about it, I need to make things count more.

4. I have to grow up.
I'm not talking maturity-wise. I had to grow up fast and I've always been very mature and an independent person.
I will never be 4 years old again–where everyone you met was your new best friend, and your only hardship was not getting a cookie before dinner. I will never be 10 again–where you went to your best friend's house every night until dinner playing make believe, and the hardest thing in life was long division. I will never be 14 again–where you thought you knew what love was, and you thought your midnight curfew was to strict. And it's kind of time to accept that, that this is life and it's always going to be changing.
I hate the change, and I will always hate it; but I'm going to have to start actively making myself ok with it.

5. I have to let things go.
I probably should limit the time and energy I spend dwelling on the past. Now, you can't just "forgive and forget" and all that jazz. No one ever forgets. But when it comes to a point where it only matters to you, it's time to let it go. It's time for when you think about it, it no longer bothers you, but it's just another thing that happened in your life.

Now, MOST importantly–look at this precious little puppy I wanted to buy at the pet store last month:

I can't wait to see my own 
puppies and dog next week!

Also, I know this is not a new song, 
but I heard it on the radio about 4 or 5 times the past two days & I re-realized how much I love it.

My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path?
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?

My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad?
Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?

Who are you when I'm not around?
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?

I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know

My oh my, you're so good-looking
But who are you when I'm not looking?

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I crash like broken glass when no one's around

Can I just say, it's been a difficult couple of months. School-wise. Church-wise. Personal life-wise. Family-wise. I'm not saying my life is terrible and no one else has it harder. I realize I have a pretty great life, and others suffer much worse then I do. But in this moment, my life is harder for me then it has been in a very long time. Or maybe everything in my life that I've run from, or pushed far away has finally caught up with me, because my current situation has slowed me so far down. And some days, I just want to be down, and that's okay. Tomorrow I will be to busy to be sad.

A lot of things have changed;  a lot things have happened; a lot has been difficult; a lot will never be the same again.

As of late, it's been quite easy for me to get down; and stay down. Some days I just want to stay curled up in my bed, or sit on my couch and watch Grey's Anatomy or Friends all day. Some days I just want to get in my car, and drive and drive, and listen to music that matches my mood. But most days I drag myself out of bed, exhausted from my lack of sleep and go through the motions of my day. (Not simply because I go to bed late as an "irresponsible" college student, but because I get in bed and can't fall asleep, sometimes for hours.) I get up; I go to class; I do the things I need to do. Then I go home late in the evening and all motivation leaves and I sit around and hang out with friends. We go to movies, we watch sports, we go bowling and Putt Putt golfing; we watch our shows. We make dinners, we study. I go on dates sporadically; I run errands; I live life. And rare, some days I feel super great. Some days I look at the problems in my life and actually believe it'll be okay, and things will settle down and get closer to normal, and closer to how they used to be. But if I really think about it, it falls back apart and I know it's not going to get anywhere close to being the same. And I look at the future and things I thought would never arrive are around the corner.

And it makes me anxious and panicky. It's too much. And I don't know how to be this person. I've gone through difficult times in my life before. I've struggled to keep my feet underneath me, and I've had to hold my life together with so much effort before. But in the past, there was an end game. At the end of everyday there were two ways the situation was going to conclude for that day. And I may have had to wake up and face it all again, but each day could only end in one of two ways. Either with everyone making it through another day, which meant (even if it was a bad day, because there were plenty of bad days) we were one day closer to getting a handle on life and we could make it through another. Or it would end in a disaster that probably would have broken me. It was bleak, yes. But there were only 2 options. I knew each day would have to end in one or the other.

Here, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to be like this and I hate it. And I don't know why I am telling you this. Probably because the few people I should be able to talk to about this are to far away. Literally for some; figuratively for others. I don't know how to be this person I've been the last few months, but I don't know how to get myself back. Right now it's all I can do to keep my head above water and try to find my way.

I've lived an ever-changing life. I moved on average every two years. My family has been forced to spend a lot of time apart. I've dealt with things way beyond my maturity level in high school. I have been forced to deal with difficult change since the day I was born. I resist change, but cave to it everyday. I adapt and I deal. But I hate it–I loathe it, in fact. But I'll accept it, as I always do–I just need more time. And in the meantime I'll stay on my roller-coaster, of days flying by with exhilarating highs and swooping lows.

Also, here's some kickin' tunes I'm obsessed with :) Tunes that I can't get enough of; tunes that I listen to all day long; that I jam to in my car.