Monday, June 28, 2010

Scars remind us that the past is real

Okay, first post in the new house. Saturday AM I drove away from my home and my life I'd had for 3 years. It had been some of the best times in my life, some of the hardest, some of the most rewarding. Everyone is so ready to get out of that small town, but let me tell you something-there aren't a lot of places better. You can't find what is there many places. Don't be in such a hurry to leave, I wish I din't have too. I already miss everyone so much and I always will. I never have had to, myself, physically drive away before to move. It made me a little sick. And then I almost died when a semi truck moved into MY lane and ran me half way off the interstate. FREAKING IDIOT. I was so pissed. Other than that, and getting some amazing Rita's ice cream that I waited 3 long yearsss for, the ride was mostly uneventful. I do love driving, sunglasses one-radio up. Good times. Too bad it was under the worst circumstances ending in my relocation for like 10th time.

But anyway. Yesterday was Sunday (ugh guess what time my church freaking starts out down here? 1:30. Suuucccckkkk). Anyway, Sunday, so obviously that means POST SECRET! There are always so many good ones, you really should start reading them. My excellent friend, Jacqueline, got me hooked on them one night at my house when we were juniors? maybe seniors? in high school and she had one of the books, and we pretty much stayed up all night reading it. This is my favorite this week. People need to be less judging, we can have
no idea what someone has gone through. So, I like this one because we need to be accepting. Scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going. Whether it's emotional scars on our hearts or physical scars we can see, they are part of our past, and if somebody has overcome the hard times in their past we should accept that and continue to look forward to their future.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Everything will change. Everything has changed.

I feel like if I write another blog about life it'd be too redundant. But that's the mood I'm in: pondering life, my relationships, my choices, my future. Every choice we make (okay- maybe not every choice-what we choose to eat not so big a deal most of the time), but basically every choice we make is so intertwined with one another and the consequences, good or bad, are so linked with a massive ripple effect throughout our entire lives. When people ask you "If you could change one thing you regret, what would it be?" Well, if we were to change that one thing, that one split second decision, that one minute detail...our entire future would take a different course. You cannot take just one factor out of an equation and expect the same outcome.

On this track of thought, how has my life come to this? Most of it I'm okay with and some I am not. How has my life ended up the way it is, with the people in it, with the things I have done, the relationships I've had and have? The way I am, the way I feel, the dreams I have, the way I view the world and it's inhabitants? How did I get here...through it all, good times and rough times? There is no one answer; it's a culmination of events, experiences and choices-good and bad, smart and dumb. So, I wouldn't be able to say it's one choice I regret (though trust me, I have a few I wish I could change with all my heart). It's the choices I made that hurt myself the most, my family or my friends. The choices I made rashly or in anger or in spite. The times I didn't stand up for myself and what I believed or for others. And after the choice has been made, there is no going back, don't ever stop. There is nothing wrong with looking back as long as it's only a glance. You have to keep moving forward no matter how rough things are. "With what kind of attitude, more than the choices themselves, is what will define the context of your life." Say what you need to, and do what you need to do.......and maybe I should take my own advice.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it

[Me & Dad at the shooting range]

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads in the world, or any guy that a child has ever looked up to and seen as a role model. I love my Dad a lot; we're pretty cool. My Dad has always been really busy when I've been growing up so the time we did get to spend was important. He always wants to go and out and do stuff with us, like biking, boating, camping, getting ice cream, etc. and always invites our friends. All my friends think he's a cool guy too. I mean we're not like super close, we argue, and view things differently and we get frustrated with each other, but for the most part, I mean whatever, he's my Dad and I love him.

Post Secrets (6-20-10)
I like this one because my Dad wasn't at every game, he was working or deployed or elsewhere doing Army things. But it actually never really bothered me that he wasn't there because he was at all the ones he could be at cheering louder than anyone. And so it didn't bother me that he wasn't there, but when I did look up in the stands and he was there it was special.

Not that my Dad doesn't say he loves me because he does, I just really like this one because I know a lot of kids don't know how much their Dads or parents care but their actions speak much louder than their words.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

and pack my bags, and never look back, run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away

I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
So let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
I feel it's gonna rain like this
Rain like this
Rain like this

Fall down
Wash away my yesterdays
Fall down
So let the rain fall down on me

It's raining today, it's only fitting. I like the song of the rain falling on the roof of my camper (that's where I'm sitting right now). It's loading day, and it's always rained on loading day ever since I can remember. The packers packed my house up yesterday and Monday; my entire room has been reduced to 7 cardboard boxes with the untidy scrawl in sharpie of a packer writing all it's contents in just a few words. Everything is being loaded on the truck today. There are boxes everywhere and the house smells like moving (aka cardboard boxes, paper, tape and helpless inevitability). This whole moving thing has been happening ever since I was born every 1 to 3 years. I hate moving so much, it's exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. Good friends will reluctantly drift away to the too full category of "We Were Best Friends When I lived in _____INSERT NAME OF STATE). I've learned over the years that moving isn't just a relocation. Moving means packing and purging your house of the junk you have accumulated. It means throwing away pointless notes or nick-knacks you have had for several moves but just didn’t have the heart to throw away yet because they remind you of a different place and different time, with different people, and when you, yourself, were different. Moving means learning where everything is in a new kitchen and it takes three times as long to empty the dishwasher because you have to open every cabinet to find out where the plates go. It means having to flip all the light switches on the wall to figure out which ones goes to which lights for weeks. It means needing all the lights on at night because you don’t know the new layout and you can’t walk through your own house at night without running into the walls and furniture. It means learning all the TV channels and street names and social norms of the new location you just got thrown into. It means having to prove yourself to a new sports coach that you can bring something new and positive to the team. Moving is getting lost on your way home from school because you weren’t sure if it was the second or the third left you needed to take. It means saying goodbye and telling your friends that of course you’ll keep in touch even though as you say it, you feel the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing that eventually simply asking how they are is too big a question. Too much time will have passed, too many events, too many years and too many friends to keep up with. Too much life happening for both of you for a phone call or E-mail to cover. You can't stay close to all of them. Moving is being bitter towards your new town and hating it with every fiber of your being; but then suddenly finding yourself falling in love with it and the people there; when one day you realize you belong there. That your new friends have brought you into their circle almost like you’ve always been there, too often only to have to move again. Moving is having the people you love and care about not ever really knowing exactly all of who you are because you didn’t have sleepovers with them in first grade, and you didn’t all go to the first middle school dance together because you lived somewhere else; you don’t remember when people say “remember last year when....” because your last years were with a different group of friends. It's having all the things you should have said before you left silenced. Moving is saying hello to people you never knew existed and you can’t believe how much of an impact they made in your life in a few short years, and how much you can love them and would do anything for them. Moving is gaining a new expierence and perspective. Moving is hoping you won’t be forgotten, and hoping that you will be known.

No one ever wants to say goodbye, we hold on to our memories and keep in touch the best we can. We may not talk a lot now, but it doesn't mean we aren't friends and what we went through, the good and bad times, the laughs and tears will always be there. We'll always matter to each other and always hope that their lives are panning out how they want. And we'll always be there for each other if the need is there.

A true friend doesn't care if your house is untidy, your car makes funny noises, if you have only $5.00 in the bank this week, or that your family is not perfect...they love you for who you are. A true friend can go long periods of time without speaking and never question their friendship.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Keys and Cell Phones

I think those are (keys and cellphones) the most regularly lost items by their owners and often turn up in the weirdest spots. I once found my phone in the laundry (thankfully BEFORE it was washed), and my keys seem to get up and move around the entire house once I set them down and turn my back. It's like freaking Toy Story or something. Anyway...

This weeks Post Secret had a lot of good ones and I had trouble picking only one as my favorite (plus, aren't we all impressed I remembered to post my favs). So through out this week, I'll probably post a few more. Two of my favorites today were:

Now, obviously with out the correct context it's difficult to understand this one completely. But the reason I like it is because, well I've never had a "childhood home" per se, but I have many places around the country I can call home...friends in all these places that were like my family and I have driven away many times from home, more often than not, to never see it again. Having to turn around and leave seems to get harder every time. Speaking of which the packers come tomorrow to my house because I am once again moving (fml) in two weeks and I have SO much to do. But it's hard to get started and I never know where to start and it's kind of overwhelming. (Hence, why I am blogging instead).

Alright, this one is just plain HI-LARIOUS [pronounced 'high larious' (What I Like About You anyone?)]. Whoever does this is amazing. I make it a point to try to not talk on my cell phone for a long time or loudly when I'm out in public (mainly I feel awkward when people can hear me on the phone, I don't know, I don't like it). People who are loud and lengthy on the phone when like, everyone else around them is quiet is super annoying. I can just imagine some mannerless idiot struggling with his cell phone completely dumfounded and wholly unaware he's being toyed with. It makes me laugh...not out loud, but on the inside though for sure. And with a dorky grin on my face.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Oh can't you see you cant see tomorrow as long as you're looking back

I think sometimes we hold on to the past, to the memories, even if they are painful because once we let go of them, what are we supposed to do if we don't have something to hold on to? We have to let go to find the new, but that's hard. We don't want to float around in limbo. We want to hold on to the past while we are looking for our future. We want to let go of the past and grab on tight to the future at the same time, we want a safety net. We never want to fall.

We want our lives to play out to the fantasy we have thought it could have been if things were different, so we hold on to that. But chances are it won't be, no matter how much we want it. And that's when we have to move on. To one day find the life we didn't know we could have, to find the life we didn't know we wanted.

It's hard to let go of the past when there's no future to hold on to. I guess we'll all just have to blindly free fall for a while and that's scary as hell.

Monday, June 7, 2010

You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak

I don't know if you all know what Post Secret is but I LOVE it. I think it's great. It's is an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on a homemade postcard. Select secrets are then posted on the PostSecret website, or used for PostSecret's books or museum exhibits. Every Sunday more secrets are posted on the Post Secret Website. I read it EVERY Sunday, I look forward to it so much and has really become a big part of my weekly life. I think it's a great thing and has evolved into a positive force for a lot of people. I think it's cathartic. Some secrets are sad, happy, funny, disturbing, liberating, etc. I've always wanted to mail some in. Of course, some are probably fake, but what does it really matter if it helps someone who reads it. I think people have found a lot of camaraderie with others they don't know and will never meet that have made them feel less alone in the world, have made them realize we all go through things in our lives that make us stronger, make us laugh, make is cry, make us happy. I think after every Sunday I'm going to try to remember to post my favorite one from that week. And try to say why it's my favorite. Also, I really want all 5 Post Secret books for my birthday next month so I can read all of them.

From Sunday, June 6 2010

I like this one because it's kind of saying that no matter what happens in our lives, no matter how old we get we, we don't have to lose the kid inside us and child-like innocence we all once had. We're never to old too have fun, we're never too old to lose our imagination and we're never too old to stop dreaming.

Also, the title ^ was a secret submitted a long time ago too.